Topic: I'm still hurting

Tomorrow will be 7 weeks that my mother passed away.  I'm still raw and not interested in going to a grief class because it's at nights, I don't drive and I don't feel like being given an assignment to do for 10 weeks. 

I feel close to my mother when I'm on the computer because I have 3 enlarged framed photos of Mama hanging on the wall in front of me.  I talk to her and cry almost every monring.  I miss hearing her voice every morning on the phone, talking about politics and of course seeing her every 2 years as she lived alone in France. 

I wish I had known that she was dying when I say her 5 days before, as I would have asked her many questions.   

I feel abandoned and alone.  I'm not asking for pity, I'm just saying it as it is.  Don't want to hear about grief support groups either. I know that I'm slowly healing but I'm having issues sleeping at nights as I keep reviewing the last days with her and the terrible condition she was in and how awful she looked.  Her looks and appearance was always important to her even at the age of 83 1.2. The only thing I'm greateful for is that I was able to see Mama (after 2 years) before she passed, her noturing me (which I will never have again) & burying her.  My family has been a nightmare to me as they're not on the Will and trying to make my life miserable...I'm the only child!

I want to remember how my Mama looked before she got sick (which took her life way in 8 weeks), our conversations and out times together.  I receorded a few phone calls when she was sick, but I'm not ready to listen to them yet. 
Will I ever remember the good times Mama and I had together?

Re: I'm still hurting

Dear Orly, I am so sorry that things are not improving. I believe that almost everyone on this Board who has lost someone would agree that in time, it does get better. If you don't want to go to a grief group how about paying a visit to your GP and tell him what you are going through and that it is not getting better and is there anything you can take to help get you through this. Sometimes a little outside help is needed. Wishing you well.

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

Re: I'm still hurting

All I can say is that I'm sorry you are in such pain. I hope time will heal your broken heart. We are all here for you.

Love,
-Pam

My beautiful daughter, Lauren Patrice, will live on in my heart forever.

My comments, suggestions, and opinions are based on my experience as a caretaker for my daughter, Lauren and from reading anything I can get my hands on about Cholangiocarcinoma. Please consult a physician for professional guidance.

Re: I'm still hurting

I am so sorry for what you are experiencing, but unfortunately it is something you can not change.  Yes, eventually you will be able to remember the good times and even smile at those thoughts.  Everyone's grief has it's own time table and everyone has their own way's of coping and you will find your's.  it's not easy, but you will find that you are stronger than you think.  You will be OK.  It just takes time. 

Take care and keep come back.  It does help and we all care and understand.

Love & Hugs,
Darla

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.

5 (edited by Cherbourg Thu, 17 Jan 2013 07:08:59)

Re: I'm still hurting

Dear Orly,

I lost my Mom to this monster on April 3, 2009.  During the last days I was handling everything like a champ.  I even gave her eulogy at her funeral on Easter Sunday.  I wrote all the thank you notes, helped my Daddy and sister make arrangements and comforted each and every one.  I was on autopilot and boy was I good at what I did.....Then a few weeks go by, we cleaned out her closet and divided her jewelry between my sister and myself.  About two and a half months after her death, I think I finally woke up to the fact that I had really lost my Mom....and the rest of the world had gone on it's merry way.  I was furious at everyone!  Especially God.  I didn't lose my Grandmothers until 94 and 95 so I was planning on having my Mom for another 20 to 25 years and you can't believe how lost, alone and furious I was for her being gone! 

It was only my Southern upbringing and my fear of prision that kept me from doing bodily harm when my "best friend".....(yeah right) told me that all of the grieving and tears wouldn''t bring my Mom back and I should "get over it".

I won't presume to tell you anything you haven't heard.  I can share it gets a  little easier as time goes on but I can still be undone and reduced to tears walking by someone wearing her perfume.

Hang in there and come here often....we really do understand and will be here for you.

Hugs!
Pam

My Mom lost her one year battle with CC on April 3, 2009.

"A prognosis is simply an audit of how truly precious each day is.  Live each day to the maximum, celebrate what was, and what is - Don't spend your life looking forward to what will or might be." .... words of wisdom from my beloved son on hearing of his grandmother's CC prognosis.

Re: I'm still hurting

Thank you Pam and everyone else who responded.

I wanted to go to a Grief Support class but it's from 7:30-9:30 PM, once a week for 10 weeks.  I didn't like the hours, so I gave it a lot of thought.  Then this morning, I spoke to my mother (like I have been doing since she passed away) out loud, and asked her if I should go to this class or would should be willing to help me through my grief.  Believe it or not, a thought came across as "I will carry you through your grief." No joke!  I feel like my mother is with me and speaking to me through my thoughts, can that be true?  Also, when I start crying, I can almost hear my mother through my thoughts, telling me not to cry, which I then stop crying.  Am I going out of my mind or what???  Please let me know if I'm going crazy.

Anyway, I called the Pastor in charge of this class, to advise him in advance, that I would not be attending his class tonight, but I felt like he was giving me the guilt trip.  He responded "I was depending on you; you really need it; I have such a small class; I'll give you a ride to and from the class ( I don't drive)."  Very very nice of him, but one of the things I dislike is when I'm being forced to do something that I don't want.  I responded that I would call him back later today but now I have decided that I don't want to call back just to decline again.  My decision was already made the first time I called this morning.  Just want to know what your thoughts are.

I'm 59 years old, have been sober for 20 years, go to my meetings and get support there as well. 

I love to stay home as I can talk to my mother & look at her framed photograph on the wall.  I also feel that she's with me in spirit and that her soul is inside my heart.  Can that be?

When friends say "if you need anything let me know" I noticed that they never call or email me or offer to get together for coffee etc..  So, now I know who my true friends are.  Amazing what you lean when you're going through a huge loss in your life.  My family (2 cousins and aunt) have turned against me as they want part of my inheritance that they're not intitled to, so they're out of my life too although I still wanted to be in touch with my aunt who's going to be 85 next month.  I have cut all contact with them.  It's a great pity that my aunt always not matter what, sides with her children, therefore I haven't heard from her in 32 days & probably never will, unless she realized one day that we both need eachother.

I am so grateful to hear from all of you which is helping me slowly ride through this storm.  It's one little step at a time & one hour at a time.  I'm trying and that's all I can do.

Thank you for listening to me and thank you for letting me share on this web site.

Re: I'm still hurting

Dear Orly, no you are not crazy. There is nothing crazy about finding solace in your  Mother. She probably is guiding you. I have a little story for you. Shortly after Teddy passed I came down with Ulcerated Colitis and have been fighting it for 1 1/2 years. About a year ago I was having a little pity party when I went to bed. I looked up at the ceiling and the tears started rolling and I said, "Teddy, I thought you were going to take care of me, where are you?" The next thing I knew I felt a pressure on my left arm, then the right arm then each leg and I knew that was Teddy comforting me. I fell asleep with a smile on my face. So, I am a strong believer. I also feel if one is so set against something, like those meetings, don't do it. Listen to your gut. It is going to take some time for you but you will get there.

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

Re: I'm still hurting

I too am a believer and totally agree that you are not crazy.  As for the rest, I have also experienced much of what you are and there is nothing we can do to change people.  Until they experience a loss as great as we have they just will not get it. 

Do what you feel in your heart is best for you and keep talking and listening to your mother, too.  smile  Only you know what is best for you and you don't need people pushing things on you that you aren't comfortable with.   It sounds like the support you get from your meetings is what you want and need right now.  What ever works for you is what is right for you. 

Just keep taking baby steps and you will see that you will figure it all out and  get through this somehow, one day at a time.

Take care.

Love & Hugs,
Darla

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.

Re: I'm still hurting

Orly, You sound like me when I feel I am forced into something. I am quite stubborn and dig my heels in. I think you are doing a great job getting a lot off your chest on this site which is good!! I know it sometimes feels like friends seem not to care, but I think they just don't know how to act. I also can't stand when people say "If you need anything, just call." Yeah, like I would ever call someone and ask them to cook us dinner or do anything for us. I could never. I don't think you are crazy. You have gone through such a traumatic ordeal and are slowly coming around. We are all here cheering you on. Take care, Orly.

Love,
-Pam

My beautiful daughter, Lauren Patrice, will live on in my heart forever.

My comments, suggestions, and opinions are based on my experience as a caretaker for my daughter, Lauren and from reading anything I can get my hands on about Cholangiocarcinoma. Please consult a physician for professional guidance.

Re: I'm still hurting

Orly,

You sound perfectly normal to me....just grieving the greatest loss of your life.  I too am a great believer in listening to my gut and am stubborn enough to usually follow through...lol

The following is something I wrote about 'Pennnies from Heaven"  Maybe it will help you a little.....

***************************************************
Here is a post I wrote about "pennies from heaven" about a few years ago.....



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"All of my life my Mom and Grandmothers told me about pennies from heaven.  Every time we would find a penny Mom would say it was a message from heaven.  We would speculate about which of our loved ones might have sent it. 

I've found numerous pennies since Mom died.  I know it may be silly, but each seemed like an affirmation that she was looking out for me or just sending "an I love you" message. 

On Saturday we were at my daughter's house at Camp LeJeune (the Marine base in North Carolina.)  My son-in-law is gone for 6 weeks for Movaje Desert Training at 29 Palms in California.  We were hanging out with my daughter's two bulldogs so she could attend a sorority alumni function in Greenville.

As you may remember when my Mom got sick, we moved my daughter's wedding up so her grandmother would be there.  They were extra close to each other since Liz is the only granddaughter out of 4 grandchildren (and was my Mom's last chance of having a granddaughter).

As you've probably heard by now North Carolina was rocked by tornados on Saturday.  As we were leaving Liz's house to travel back to New Bern before the storms hit we were helping her put up the yard furniture and grill.  She had already gotten her flashlights ready and put a blanket and pillow and dog leashes in the downstairs bathroom.  Just as we got in the car I told my husband we needed to move some large flower pots on the front porch close to the side of the door.  He moved the first pot and then was called by Liz.  As I bent to move the second pot I found a penny.  I picked it up and told Liz not to worry her grandmother would be looking our for her and the bullies.

That night an EF-3 tornado torn through the military housing complex of Terrawa Terrace.  12 homes are completely destroyed, another 40-60 are structurally unsafe and another 40-60 have mild to moderate damage.  Only one serious injury, a 23 month old that is in critical condition. 

It appears the tornado jumped across Liz' house and there is only mild to moderate damage to her house and car.  I was on the phone with her and it was a scary time.  Houses in front and behind her had significant damage.

She and the bulldogs are staying with us until the power is restored.  I thank God she was safe and knew what to do! 

And the penny?.......is now with my daughter....who carries it with her everywhere....
I smile now as I come across my "Pennies from Heaven" and keep all of them in a jar on my desk.

You'll find your pathway and if you are kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve,  you'll be OK.  I've learned lessons and believe I'm kinder and more compassionate.  I think I value the small things more.  Remember.....if you had not loved so much you wouldn't be grieving so hard....  Personally the love was well worth the grief.....

We're all here for you....take care!

My Mom lost her one year battle with CC on April 3, 2009.

"A prognosis is simply an audit of how truly precious each day is.  Live each day to the maximum, celebrate what was, and what is - Don't spend your life looking forward to what will or might be." .... words of wisdom from my beloved son on hearing of his grandmother's CC prognosis.

Re: I'm still hurting

Thank you everyone for all your support.  As someone said, the more you loved that person, the deeper the grieving.  I'm still raw and my heart aches deeply.  I have run out of words to express my grief. I loved my mother more than anyone in this world.

My family which consist of my my aunt & 2 cousins, have been awful with me since my mother passed away, as they're upset that their names are not on my mother's Will.  So they're hiring an attorney to sue me saying I owe them lots of money for my mother's medical bills.  They told me and my mother several times while she was still alive, not to worry about my mother's medical bills and that they would take care of it.  I knew they were rich.  They cared for her and also stole her valuables which I cannot prove.  My mother was at their mercy because they were taking care of her and paying her medical bills.  In the back of their minds, they were thinking about a payback. 

My cousins knew I was unemployed and didn't even offer an air ticket to France to see my own mother.  My mother ended up giving them money to wire to me, in order to puchase my air ticket.  Thank God that I was able to see my mother a few days before she passed and also to bury her.

So I'm not only greiving heavly but also dealing with an "evil greedy family. By the way, this issue is happening in France as that's where my mother's apartment is located.  So I'll probably have to go to France sometime this year, with what money, I don't know.

Still grieving.

Re: I'm still hurting

Orly,
I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time with your family at a time you need them most.  I thought European countries had systems in place that prevented families from being saddled with huge medical bills unlike here in the US.  Is it possible they're not being honest about this? I'd look into that. Anyway, hope you get some peace soon, maybe another grief support group that suits your schedule better?  Glad you're getting support here in the meantime, but I believe that as much as you may not want to, it's important to get out among other people especially those who can relate to your sorrow. God bless.
                     Dianne