You sound perfectly normal to me....just grieving the greatest loss of your life. I too am a great believer in listening to my gut and am stubborn enough to usually follow through...lol
The following is something I wrote about 'Pennnies from Heaven" Maybe it will help you a little.....
Here is a post I wrote about "pennies from heaven" about a few years ago.....
"All of my life my Mom and Grandmothers told me about pennies from heaven. Every time we would find a penny Mom would say it was a message from heaven. We would speculate about which of our loved ones might have sent it.
I've found numerous pennies since Mom died. I know it may be silly, but each seemed like an affirmation that she was looking out for me or just sending "an I love you" message.
On Saturday we were at my daughter's house at Camp LeJeune (the Marine base in North Carolina.) My son-in-law is gone for 6 weeks for Movaje Desert Training at 29 Palms in California. We were hanging out with my daughter's two bulldogs so she could attend a sorority alumni function in Greenville.
As you may remember when my Mom got sick, we moved my daughter's wedding up so her grandmother would be there. They were extra close to each other since Liz is the only granddaughter out of 4 grandchildren (and was my Mom's last chance of having a granddaughter).
As you've probably heard by now North Carolina was rocked by tornados on Saturday. As we were leaving Liz's house to travel back to New Bern before the storms hit we were helping her put up the yard furniture and grill. She had already gotten her flashlights ready and put a blanket and pillow and dog leashes in the downstairs bathroom. Just as we got in the car I told my husband we needed to move some large flower pots on the front porch close to the side of the door. He moved the first pot and then was called by Liz. As I bent to move the second pot I found a penny. I picked it up and told Liz not to worry her grandmother would be looking our for her and the bullies.
That night an EF-3 tornado torn through the military housing complex of Terrawa Terrace. 12 homes are completely destroyed, another 40-60 are structurally unsafe and another 40-60 have mild to moderate damage. Only one serious injury, a 23 month old that is in critical condition.
It appears the tornado jumped across Liz' house and there is only mild to moderate damage to her house and car. I was on the phone with her and it was a scary time. Houses in front and behind her had significant damage.
She and the bulldogs are staying with us until the power is restored. I thank God she was safe and knew what to do!
And the penny?.......is now with my daughter....who carries it with her everywhere....
I smile now as I come across my "Pennies from Heaven" and keep all of them in a jar on my desk.
You'll find your pathway and if you are kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve, you'll be OK. I've learned lessons and believe I'm kinder and more compassionate. I think I value the small things more. Remember.....if you had not loved so much you wouldn't be grieving so hard.... Personally the love was well worth the grief.....
We're all here for you....take care!
My Mom lost her one year battle with CC on April 3, 2009.
"A prognosis is simply an audit of how truly precious each day is. Live each day to the maximum, celebrate what was, and what is - Don't spend your life looking forward to what will or might be." .... words of wisdom from my beloved son on hearing of his grandmother's CC prognosis.