Topic: Being detrimental -- warning... This is not a happy post

I am going to blow off some steam, so beware if you read any further. I m feeling sorry for myself and have Nowhere else to blow off some steam.

2 years ago yesterday I was told I had this rare cancer called cholangiocarcinoma. It took me 3 tries to spell it right. I looked it up on the Internet and figured I had a death sentence. In the past 2 years I have followed doctor's orders and been a good girl. Or a good patient. I tried to limit my processed sugars. I quit eating meat. I quit drinking. I lost my boyfriend because of the stress. My first rounds of chemo did a great job killing the cancer, but also killing part of me. I had to take a break. The crap grew. We tried another kind of chemo, during which time the crap grew some more. My chances of ever having a resection were taken away. A year ago I was told to put my affairs in order. Then we tried radiation. It worked great! Everything went quiet and I thought I had a shot at a semi normal life.
The first part of conversations no longer contained the word cancer. 2013 came. Everything was still good. I only had to get rid of the 2nd cataract (chemo induced) and I could have normal conversations again!! And find a part time job. Boy,do I miss a good steak. But it's for a good cause. Well, Monday I found out the cancer spread. All the treated areas are still nice and quiet. But there's this new area. /$&**!!!
Since then I don't want to be a "good patient". All I really want to do is have a steak, get drunk and yell about things being unfair! So far, I've been getting the drinking thing done. Still haven't gotten drunk, but I think I'll buy a bottle of merlot and hole up on Sunday. I've had more alcohol since Monday than in the past 2 years.
I know it's bad for me, but I don't even want to snap out of it. I'm an emotional wreck and heading for a brick wall. Last night a friend sang "Lean on Me" at karaoke to me. I cried like a baby. In public.
Im tired, and I just can't seem to get back on the horse. I'm not looking for sympathy... We all have our troubles. And I know I should be thankful that I'm mostly healthy.  But I'm f--ING tired of this crap and I just don't want to play anymore. Don't worry; I'm not contemplating anything drastic. I just don't want to play this game anymore. I want to get rip roaring drunk and have steak.

KrisJ
"Don't just have minutes in the day; have moments in time."
Any opinions I give are based on personal experiences, and are not based on medical knowledge. I strongly suggest receiving medical care and opinions.

Re: Being detrimental -- warning... This is not a happy post

OK,Kris, so I am waiting for the bad part! Don't you think you need to vent now and then? Who ever told you in your life that you must be little Miss Perfect? And who the heck is going to say you cannot have a steak say 2 X a month. You don't want to snap out of it  because its somehow more comfortable to hide behind negativity and don't get me wrong you have  every right to feel the way you do but why waste all that energy on KRAP! As for the boyfriend, I remember that and we all pretty much came to the conclusion he was a looser! OK. Lecture over with an invite to come to Phoenix and stay with me a few days!  I am 3 minutes from 3 Steak Houses. No snow, complex pool being resurfaced and ready first week in April hot tub, work out room and Lots of Kareoke. Sometimes a change can work wonders. Say, my daughter is your age, well a year older and you would have fun with her as well. Just think about You never know how strong you are until "strong" is the only choice you have. See what I did? I blew all that steam back at you. Man, its like a Sauna in here!

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

Re: Being detrimental -- warning... This is not a happy post

Kris......eat the steak, dear Kris, and drink your Merlot.  Do what your heart desires.  This cancer cannot take over your life; at most it may co-exist until it is booted out.
Hugs and love,
Marion

THIS INFORMATION IS NOT INTENDED NOR IMPLIED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR PROFESSIONAL MEDICAL ADVICE. YOU SHOULD ALWAYS SEEK THE ADVICE OF YOUR PHYSICIAN OR OTHER QUALIFIED HEALTH CARE PROVIDER

Re: Being detrimental -- warning... This is not a happy post

Kris,

It's so very hard to do all of the right things and have things still go wrong.  I understand your frustration and exhaustion with it all.  I often wondered if I had enough fight in me to fight another battle.

Eat that steak, drink that wine,  you are entitled to live.  Try and control the things you can and you deserve to be able to vent.

Then I have no doubt that you will pick yourself up and dust yourself off and begin your next fight when you are ready!

Feel free to contact me directly if you need some 'private' venting.

((((Hugs))))
-Randi-

Survivor of cholangiocarcinoma (2009), thyroid cancer (1999), and breast cancer (1994).

My comments, suggestions, and opinions are based only on my personal experience as a cancer survivor. Please consult a physician for professional guidance.

Re: Being detrimental -- warning... This is not a happy post

Kris,

Gotta agree with the others here about eating that steak and having some wine. And if it was me and it was possible to do so then I would be taking Lainy up on her offer of you going and staying with her for a bit. Maybe a break from your normal day to day stuff, some sun and just getting away for a bit will do you some good? Even just going there for 3 days or so, with 3 steak houses close by thats a steak a day! Sounds better to me than an apple a day!

I hear what you are saying about being tired of all the crap and that is so understandable, so maybe a wee break is just what you need right now? I know that a break away from home won't be the magic cure as it were, but maybe it will help you snap out of things right now? Just thinking out loud here and a break does us all some good every now and again doesn't it.

In the meantime, enjoy your steak and wine and I hope that it tastes delicious!

Hugs,

Gavin

Any advice or comments I give are based on personal experiences and knowledge and are my opinions only, they are not to be substituted for professional medical advice. Please seek professional advice from a qualified doctor or medical professional.

Re: Being detrimental -- warning... This is not a happy post

Oh My Dear Kris,

Sorry to hear of this set back.  You deserve to rant and rave all you want.    Get it all out.  I agree with everyone else.   Do whatever the heck you want and enjoy it.  I am sitting here in my shop with tears in my eyes as I read this. 

I'm with Gavin.  If you can make it work, a few days in Arizona won't change things, but will sure make you feel a lot better.  Wish we could all go.  smile  You would be more than welcome to come to Wisconsin, but with 20 degree weather, snow and more on the way, I don't think it's what you need.   smile

Just remember that we are all here for you and willing to listen.  No matter what our situation we totally understand.

Thinking of you and hoping for better days to come.

With Lots of Love & Hugs,
Darla

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.

Re: Being detrimental -- warning... This is not a happy post

Hi Kris,

I'm glad you are blowing off steam. Go out and eat all the steak and drink all the wine you want. It seems you have had one disappointment after another and deserve it more than anybody!! I don't think you should be so hard on yourself and let loose once in a while. If you want a bowl of ice cream or a drink, then have it. I believe in eating healthy, but not giving up everything. I can't imagine you not being depressed after all you have been through. I think it would help if you spoke to a social worker or some other professional that did not know you. You could scream, cry and let it all out and they would tell you that you are normal. I also think a few days with Lainy would do anybody wonders. I'm hoping that spring will make you happier. I know you are tired of all this. We know the feeling. We want to get off this ride and lead a normal life. I'm so glad you got this out of your system. You are always the strong one trying to cheer everyone else up. Let us help you for once. You are the dear friend everyone wishes to have. Now go get that big, juicy steak!!

Love and big, big hugs,
-Pam

My beautiful daughter, Lauren Patrice, will live on in my heart forever.

My comments, suggestions, and opinions are based on my experience as a caretaker for my daughter, Lauren and from reading anything I can get my hands on about Cholangiocarcinoma. Please consult a physician for professional guidance.

Re: Being detrimental -- warning... This is not a happy post

Kris,
I agree with everyone...enjoy a few indulgences and don't beat yourself up about it. You're a special lady and I'm so glad you have friends there (and here) to lean on.
Willow

Willow

Re: Being detrimental -- warning... This is not a happy post

Love you, Kris!!! You're one amazing lady xxx

“When it is dark enough, you can see the stars." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Re: Being detrimental -- warning... This is not a happy post

Oh, Kris. can I vent too?? Thank you for giving all of us permission to vent, to rage, to cry out that it isn't fair. It is NOT FAIR!!!! I just married the love of my life and I have to leave now? My daughter is 14 and I have to leave her? Is is NOT FAIR! Bundle yourself up and scream out and cry - - we all do it but you are just braver, you are giving voice to the anger and sadness and "I have had enough" that we all feel. I thank you for your gift, and I HUG you with all my might. Please know you are loved. Just hold that close. From all of us. xoxox  Holly

Re: Being detrimental -- warning... This is not a happy post

Oh, Holly, PLEASE don't give up! I haven't seen any postings from you since your scheduled surgery... How are you?
And, no, it's not fair!!
I am sending all kinds of love and support and prayers (now that I'm speaking to God again).

KrisJ
"Don't just have minutes in the day; have moments in time."
Any opinions I give are based on personal experiences, and are not based on medical knowledge. I strongly suggest receiving medical care and opinions.

Re: Being detrimental -- warning... This is not a happy post

Well, I go tomorrow to talk to the rad onc. I just hope he has some ideas of what to do...

KrisJ
"Don't just have minutes in the day; have moments in time."
Any opinions I give are based on personal experiences, and are not based on medical knowledge. I strongly suggest receiving medical care and opinions.

Re: Being detrimental -- warning... This is not a happy post

To Kris and Holly and anyone else this can pertain to:



Even when you feel as though
there isn’t a lot you can do
to change unhappiness or problems,
you can always do a little –
and a little at a time
eventually makes a big difference.

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

Re: Being detrimental -- warning... This is not a happy post

Kris,
Your thoughts and fears are within us all who are dealing with this ugly disease!  Isn't this a great place to share it all!  In the past few days I watched my dad hit rock bottom and then decide to fight for a little more time!  It was the most amazing thing to watch.  I was truly amazed.  Dig deep inside yourself.... You can do it!  Be kind to yourself!  Eat the steak, drink the wine and enjoy a nice bubble bath!  You deserve it all:)
Rena

Re: Being detrimental -- warning... This is not a happy post

Kris-EAT DRINK AND BE MERRY!!!! Like all have said be angry, I don't know anyone who deserves it more right now!!
I love Lainy's idea, for some Lainy time. I would love to suggest for all my fellow CC family we start a "SEND KRIS TO LAINY FUND"!! I think if we all send just a few dollars we can get your ticket to Lainy!!
Kris post and address and we can all pay it forward, not only helping you, but I know for me doing something that does make a difference!!
We love you Kris and you are an inspiration to all of us!!
Lots of prayers, HOPE, and hugs-Cathy

Re: Being detrimental -- warning... This is not a happy post

Kris
Just wondering how just visit to rad onc went.  Praying for something good, you so deserve it.
Sandie
X

.... because I can ....

Re: Being detrimental -- warning... This is not a happy post

Thanks Cathy.
It's not the money as much as the ??? Of what I will be doing.
Update: the rad onc says no because the new node is too close to one already radiated and he says he might do more harm than good. The good news is I feel healthy. The bad news is I feel healthy. No one wants to make me sick doing something that may or may not work. I have an appt with a new onc on April fool's Day (appropriate)!! According to my rad onc she has an idea... I have to wait and see... I talked to surgeon again today and am waiting for my current onc to get back to me... Nothing new there. She may be getting fired soon: it all depends on the new onc willing to take over maintenance of the pump...

KrisJ
"Don't just have minutes in the day; have moments in time."
Any opinions I give are based on personal experiences, and are not based on medical knowledge. I strongly suggest receiving medical care and opinions.

Re: Being detrimental -- warning... This is not a happy post

Kris, so now we sit and wait for April 1st. CC is certainly NOT for anyone who does not have patience. Well, my offer does not have an expiration date! Try to use this time to be good to yourself.

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

Re: Being detrimental -- warning... This is not a happy post

Hi Kris,

Thanks for letting us know about your app with the rad onc, and grrrrrrrrr to more waiting! Hoping that you get some good news from your new onc on the 1st. Have you went out and got that steak yet and if so, I hope it was very tasty!

Hugs,

Gavin

Any advice or comments I give are based on personal experiences and knowledge and are my opinions only, they are not to be substituted for professional medical advice. Please seek professional advice from a qualified doctor or medical professional.