Topic: Being detrimental -- warning... This is not a happy post
I am going to blow off some steam, so beware if you read any further. I m feeling sorry for myself and have Nowhere else to blow off some steam.
2 years ago yesterday I was told I had this rare cancer called cholangiocarcinoma. It took me 3 tries to spell it right. I looked it up on the Internet and figured I had a death sentence. In the past 2 years I have followed doctor's orders and been a good girl. Or a good patient. I tried to limit my processed sugars. I quit eating meat. I quit drinking. I lost my boyfriend because of the stress. My first rounds of chemo did a great job killing the cancer, but also killing part of me. I had to take a break. The crap grew. We tried another kind of chemo, during which time the crap grew some more. My chances of ever having a resection were taken away. A year ago I was told to put my affairs in order. Then we tried radiation. It worked great! Everything went quiet and I thought I had a shot at a semi normal life.
The first part of conversations no longer contained the word cancer. 2013 came. Everything was still good. I only had to get rid of the 2nd cataract (chemo induced) and I could have normal conversations again!! And find a part time job. Boy,do I miss a good steak. But it's for a good cause. Well, Monday I found out the cancer spread. All the treated areas are still nice and quiet. But there's this new area. /$&**!!!
Since then I don't want to be a "good patient". All I really want to do is have a steak, get drunk and yell about things being unfair! So far, I've been getting the drinking thing done. Still haven't gotten drunk, but I think I'll buy a bottle of merlot and hole up on Sunday. I've had more alcohol since Monday than in the past 2 years.
I know it's bad for me, but I don't even want to snap out of it. I'm an emotional wreck and heading for a brick wall. Last night a friend sang "Lean on Me" at karaoke to me. I cried like a baby. In public.
Im tired, and I just can't seem to get back on the horse. I'm not looking for sympathy... We all have our troubles. And I know I should be thankful that I'm mostly healthy. But I'm f--ING tired of this crap and I just don't want to play anymore. Don't worry; I'm not contemplating anything drastic. I just don't want to play this game anymore. I want to get rip roaring drunk and have steak.
Don't just have minutes in the day; have moments in time.