Topic: Flashbacks - SENSITIVE

I can't stand the constant flashbacks to some of the most difficult times in Sue's illness and death - particularly during her last week in the Hospice. They stopped for a while, but as her first anniversary approaches, they are becoming more frequent.

As well as the flashbacks, I dream about her regularly now.  In the last weeks of her illness, the Hospice rang me several times saying she was slipping into a coma and probably wouldn't come out of it and then the next day she'd wake up and get angry with them. My recent dreams seem to be replicating those experiences. in my dreams, I relive her funeral and then a couple of days later she wakes up and comes home. She then slips back into unconsciousness and dies again. Then we have the funeral again and a few days later she wakes up and comes home again ... This is the recurring pattern.

The dream doesn't upset me as much as it used to, mainly I think because she isn't angry with me and doesn't seem to notice that I've given most of her belongings away. If she does notice, she doesn't seem to mind.

My goddaughter is coming to visit tomorrow for a week. She was here last Easter, too, 2 weeks before Sue went into the Hospice for the last time. Sue adored having Florence here and I doubt my ability to cope with Florence without Sue, despite knowing full well that last year I was having to look after both of them.

Gosh this HURTS. Thanks for listening.

Julia xx

“When it is dark enough, you can see the stars." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Re: Flashbacks - SENSITIVE

Hi Julia, so, we have been together for sometime now and I am worried about how you keep dreaming the same thing, not that it is as bad as you may think but the fact you are so upset about it. Here is my take on it....Putting the Anniversary of her passing together with a favorite Holiday with her favorite people....I see it that she is trying to tell you that she would come back if she could. Since it is a recurring dream I really believe she is trying to tell you something. Would you humor me? IF you dream it again and if you wake at the end of the dream, talk to her and tell her you know she wants to be there but its really OK that she is not and you are going to set a place for her. Am I totally off the wall or do you think it might work to stop the dreams? It just sounds like some kind of release is needed here from both sides. Please let me know what you think. I know its all so weird but so many weird but beautiful things have happened to me from Teddy. And its perfectly OK to laugh at me.

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

Re: Flashbacks - SENSITIVE

Hi Julia!

I am sorry you are having such a hard time right now. Susan must be on your mind a lot right now since it is coming up on the anniversary of when she passed. It must be so difficult to dream of the painful times. I know you were so sad when she passed and you know how Lainy and Marion always say that the more you loved someone the harder the grief. I think you are doing a great job of getting on with your life by all the traveling and fun things you have been doing, but I know that doesn't replace the sadness in your heart. I'm sorry for the setback, but I know you will be able to get through it and replace the sad and bad memories with happy ones. I know Susan would want you to be happy, but I understand you miss her terribly. I am sending hugs and love to you, dear friend.

-Pam

My beautiful daughter, Lauren Patrice, will live on in my heart forever.

My comments, suggestions, and opinions are based on my experience as a caretaker for my daughter, Lauren and from reading anything I can get my hands on about Cholangiocarcinoma. Please consult a physician for professional guidance.

Re: Flashbacks - SENSITIVE

Thank you both so much for your wonderful words. They mean such a lot to me.

I'm really taken with your interpretation, Lainy - when I read it my immediate thought was "Yes". That reaction surprised me and pleased me at the same time.

Yes, I'll do as you suggest. I'll do my best to talk to Sue if/when the dream recurs - and Yes, I'll set a place for her and include her in my plans for Florence's visit, even though she cannot physically be with us.

I don't feel so lonely now. I'll let you know how it all goes.

XX

“When it is dark enough, you can see the stars." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Re: Flashbacks - SENSITIVE

Oh Dear Julia,

I am so sorry to hear you are having such a hard time of it.  I have faith in you that you will deal with this as you have everything in the past, with strength and grace.   These things come at us in waves and we have to work our way through them.  Hopefully in time the dreams and memories will be more of the good times you had with Susan and less of the those last days and weeks.  Hopefully spending time with Florence will help to bring back some of those good memories and push aside some of the bad.  I think we are all stronger than we give ourselves credit for.  None of us signed on for this, but here we are and together we will get by, one day at a time. 

I totally agree that the longer and stronger the love, the longer and harder the grieving.  This is just a testiment to your close relationship and deep love for Susan.

Hopefully coming here and sharing your feelings will also help to relieve some of these things.  I still have my good days and bad days and for me it has been 4 1/2 years already.  Some days I feel like it all just happened and others it seems so long ago. 

Thinking of you and hoping for better days ahead.   Hoping your visit with Florence goes well and is a wonderful, healing experience for you both. 

Love & Hugs,
Darla

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.

Re: Flashbacks - SENSITIVE

Dear Julia,
                 I think when you get to the time of year when things were tough it does come back at you a bit,quite unbidden,you can be trying to distract yourself but the memories are a bit too strong and break through and make you feel a bit ordinary.
......But time eases it .For me the Christmases have been pretty awful as thats when our worst time was and Joel died early January but this last christmas I enjoyed the day and I thought "Well now this is progress"I had tried to enjoy the others even booking into a very expensive restaurant for us all one year-
I enjoyed the food but it was still a very average day.
      Darla is right about these feelings coming in waves and we surf through them and get past them.So just keep doing what you enjoy and what makes you happy and sometimes it will work
                                                 Janet xx

Re: Flashbacks - SENSITIVE

Thank you, too, Darla and Janet

I'm now at Heathrow Airport, waiting for Florence to arrive. On an impulse (I haven't done this before) I called Sue's mobile a moment ago and left a message on her voicemail. I told her I love her and that I know she'll be with me this week, even though I won't be able to see her, and that I'll include her in all my events with Florence this week.

Then I cried. Now I feel better.

Florence has ARRIVED!! I'd better go. XXX

“When it is dark enough, you can see the stars." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Re: Flashbacks - SENSITIVE

Dear Janet, I always have the urge to say Hi to you, when you have posted. Loved your Christmas idea and I do agree with the waves that sometimes just  come over us, but you do sound good! It is also comforting to know that YOU are still watching the Board. Stay well!

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

Re: Flashbacks - SENSITIVE

Dear Julia a big YEA for you on begining your plans to give Sue and yourself some Peace, I am so proud of you. I kept Teddy's voice on my phone for 1 1/2 years. I bet she was so happy to get the call. Have a wonderful time with Florence ( I had a 1st cousin, Florence) and I am excited for what you are going to for Easter, cannot wait to hear.

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

Re: Flashbacks - SENSITIVE

Julia,

Have a great week with Florence.   I'll be thinking of all of you.  You, Florence and of course Susan.   smile  XXX.

Love & Hugs,
Darla

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.

Re: Flashbacks - SENSITIVE

Thank you smile

We've booked a trip on the London Eye tomorrow. I hope it's not too cloudy ... but who am I trying to kid? This is London, of course it will be cloudy wink

“When it is dark enough, you can see the stars." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Re: Flashbacks - SENSITIVE

There are those times when memories bring us comfort and make us smile, but then are those moments when grief takes over. 
This little trip is another step of moving forward, as is each minute, second, day and each month that passes.  For me, the pain has not lessened however; the intervals of occurrence of the painful moments have lengthened in time.  That, dear Julia has given me comfort.  I wish the same for you.
Hugs and have a wonderful time,
Marion

THIS INFORMATION IS NOT INTENDED NOR IMPLIED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR PROFESSIONAL MEDICAL ADVICE. YOU SHOULD ALWAYS SEEK THE ADVICE OF YOUR PHYSICIAN OR OTHER QUALIFIED HEALTH CARE PROVIDER

Re: Flashbacks - SENSITIVE

Hi Julia,

Sorry to hear what you are going through right now with these dreams that you have. This never happened to me but I guess that this is part of the whole grieving process and as we know, our experiences of that can be different to others. Yes that must have been hard to write what you did, but in doing so I hope that it helped as well. And as you know, we are all here for each other and help each other so keep on writing if it helps you!

And please do not worry about looking after your goddaughter during this visit, I know that you will be fine! Thats great that she is visiting you right now and I hope that you are enjoying being on the London Eye right now.......don't look down!! Ha!!! And if you are not too good with heights, I am sure that Florence will look after you! wink Have fun!

Hugs,

Gavin

PS - And if it snows........ don't panic!

Any advice or comments I give are based on personal experiences and knowledge and are my opinions only, they are not to be substituted for professional medical advice. Please seek professional advice from a qualified doctor or medical professional.

Re: Flashbacks - SENSITIVE

Thank you, Marion and Gavin ...

My new mantra ... "If it snows, don't panic" ... "If it snows, don't panic" ... I like that wink

We both enjoyed the trip on the Eye. I was able to point out to Florence, from the top of the Eye, the bridge across the Thames where she'd suddenly decided to learn to walk (much to the amusement of all the passers-by) when she came to visit me in London for for very first time.

I paid double price for a fast-track ticket to the Eye today (ulp!!) and I'm SOOOO glad I did. It was freezing and heaven only knows what we would have been like standing in an arctic queue for an hour!!

“When it is dark enough, you can see the stars." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Re: Flashbacks - SENSITIVE

Julia....brrrrr....it is cold.  I happen to be in Germany until next week (Mom issues) and can't believe how cold it is.  So glad that you had a good time.
Hugs,
Marion

THIS INFORMATION IS NOT INTENDED NOR IMPLIED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR PROFESSIONAL MEDICAL ADVICE. YOU SHOULD ALWAYS SEEK THE ADVICE OF YOUR PHYSICIAN OR OTHER QUALIFIED HEALTH CARE PROVIDER

Re: Flashbacks - SENSITIVE

Glad that you both enjoyed the Eye Julia! Loving your new mantra as well, "if it snows don't panic!"

Paying double for fast track to the eye Julia, hmmm. Sounds like a suvvern Landan type excuse to me to avoid the cold! Welcome to winter! wink

And that Siberian wind that is blowing through you right now Marion ends up over here! And from what I see on the news forecast, it just seems to get blown around, recycled as it were and just comes straight back through again! Grrrrrrr!

Hugs to you both,

Gavin

Any advice or comments I give are based on personal experiences and knowledge and are my opinions only, they are not to be substituted for professional medical advice. Please seek professional advice from a qualified doctor or medical professional.

Re: Flashbacks - SENSITIVE

Hugs back at'cha, dear Gavin smile xx

“When it is dark enough, you can see the stars." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Re: Flashbacks - SENSITIVE

Thanks Julia! Woke up this morning to bright skies and sun! Woo hoo....... lasted about an hour or so before it started snowing again, grrrrr.........

Could do with some of your suvvern weather up here! Last time this year it was about 20c here, this year about 0c all month. Think I need a new mantra as well! smile

Hugs,

Gavin

Any advice or comments I give are based on personal experiences and knowledge and are my opinions only, they are not to be substituted for professional medical advice. Please seek professional advice from a qualified doctor or medical professional.

Re: Flashbacks - SENSITIVE

New mantra, dear Gavin ... "If it snows, go back to bed" ... "If it snows, go back to bed"

XX

“When it is dark enough, you can see the stars." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Re: Flashbacks - SENSITIVE

Love it Julia! Think I might get a T-Shirt with that printed on it! :-)

Any advice or comments I give are based on personal experiences and knowledge and are my opinions only, they are not to be substituted for professional medical advice. Please seek professional advice from a qualified doctor or medical professional.