Topic: Flashbacks - SENSITIVE
I can't stand the constant flashbacks to some of the most difficult times in Sue's illness and death - particularly during her last week in the Hospice. They stopped for a while, but as her first anniversary approaches, they are becoming more frequent.
As well as the flashbacks, I dream about her regularly now. In the last weeks of her illness, the Hospice rang me several times saying she was slipping into a coma and probably wouldn't come out of it and then the next day she'd wake up and get angry with them. My recent dreams seem to be replicating those experiences. in my dreams, I relive her funeral and then a couple of days later she wakes up and comes home. She then slips back into unconsciousness and dies again. Then we have the funeral again and a few days later she wakes up and comes home again ... This is the recurring pattern.
The dream doesn't upset me as much as it used to, mainly I think because she isn't angry with me and doesn't seem to notice that I've given most of her belongings away. If she does notice, she doesn't seem to mind.
My goddaughter is coming to visit tomorrow for a week. She was here last Easter, too, 2 weeks before Sue went into the Hospice for the last time. Sue adored having Florence here and I doubt my ability to cope with Florence without Sue, despite knowing full well that last year I was having to look after both of them.
Gosh this HURTS. Thanks for listening.
"When it gets dark enough, you can see the stars" - Lee Salk