All good thoughts going your way in the hopes that your Lee is at peace and maybe even has a miracle -- who knows? It's so hard on both of you but you seem to have a great attitude. All the best to you.
I see myself in your postings, though it was my mother who had cc, not my sister. I am so outraged at the injustice of life (and would feel the same if it were my only sister, whom I love dearly though she drives me nuts!) When you love someone, I know you feel like there's a knife in your gut when you see them suffering and you're helpless to do anything. But I wanted to respond to you about some specific things you said:
- Your sister is in constant pain. This should NOT be happening in today's day and age. What are her doctors thinking???Can you get anything prescribed for her? It's horrible enough to see your loved one deteriorating, but terrible pain makes it so much worse for you - and of course, mainly for her. My mother was taking morphine for breakthrough pain in between her oxycontin, and in the beginning she just needed a little bit to make her comfortable, and it made an amazing difference. I hope your sister can get some relief from the pain. The poor thing!
- The disease seems to be aggressive. - In your sister's case it seems to be spreading rapidly, as it was in my mother's case, but sometimes it just decides to slow down all by itself, or with the help of chemo, so there is always hope. It's hard to hang onto, I know, but you have to have hope just to keep your sanity. Many people here have had aggressive cancer that slowed down - anything is possible!
- Finally, what you said about your sister being angry and not wanting support really struck a chord in me. Please please believe that no matter how your sister acts towards you, she loves you so much and is so grateful for your caring and support. She may not say it, but you'll have to say it for her. Tell her you love her and keep supporting her no matter how she acts (of course you would anyway - you're a great sister). My mother was also angry and withdrew into herself and I still go over it in my mind so I don't want you to feel guilt or like anything was left unsaid. I try to imagine what it's like to receive a death sentence and then try to live your life, and I put myself in my mother's shoes and I can understand how she was shutting out everyone because she was so terrified and depressed about her future. It's something that is so hard to visualize - everyone imagines they'll face disease gracefully and stoically, but we're all just human. Who wouldn't be angry, when they have so much to live for? And the closest loved ones are the ones who bear the brunt of that anger. I know my mother loved me and was my best friend to the end, just as I know your sister feels the same about you. You're doing the absolute best thing for her by being there for her.
Sorry for the long post, but I empathized so much with your post. You're not alone and you're not abnormal for being angry and scared. My best wishes and hopes for a remission on your sister's part, and freedom from pain.
Much hugs to you and yours,