1 (edited by sbd103050 Fri, 18 Apr 2008 14:12:34)

Topic: First time here, mother passed at age 54 in 2006

Hi all,

  Just sitting at my desk and thinking of my mother and the terrible time we went through in 2006. I am now 23 and my sister is 27. My parents were married for 35 years.
She was diagnosed with CC in August 2005 and the doctors gave her 9-11 months to live (she was in stage 4 already). She died exactly 10 months later in June of 06'.

As I have read a few blogs, I feel a sense of comfort as I think of her every day. Constant hospital visits, every possible side effect, pain.. you name it.

I think the clinical trial the doctors put her on was way too aggressive and it just made her go down hill extremely fast. I watched her body deteriorate and that is what kills me to think about it. The flashbacks of the hospital, the beeps, I will never forget them. It brings tears to my eyes to think of what she went through.

She was never afraid to die. She was more worried about us after she passed because she was the leader of our family. Now my father struggles to pay his bills and I feel as though it is my responsibility to look out for him and I feel badly that he lives in our home by himself now. I now live with my boyfriend (who also lost his mother at a young age, which helps).

I think I wanted to come on this site just to offer my advice or just to vent to people that go through this rare, evil cancer. It is so aggressive, so hard to treat, and the chemotherapy side effects were so brutal for my mother.

Sometimes I feel like I could have done more for her, as she lay in bed for over 8 months, delirious and eyes barely open. I sat with her and read her stories, watched The food network, and just enjoyed the last months with her.

You can't look back and wish there was more that you could do. I know this. I did the best that I could under the circumstances. She was an amazing mother, and she taught me so much that I will take with me for the rest of my life. I am scared and sad that she will not see me get married or have children. I know that will be the hardest.

I get SO angry when I hear my friends talk about their mothers...."my mom is such a bitch.... i hate my mom... my mom won't give me any more money...."

It makes me want to isolate myself from them because I feel like they will never get it. And I know it is not their fault. Its not anyones fault, it is just the deck of cards I have been dealt.

I am graduating college, have a great internship, and a great apartment and I just wish she could see how well I am doing.

I started a "mommy journal" with a picture of us when we went to Italy together , which was the best time of our lives. I write to the journal as if the pages are my words to her. I feel like she reads them and I can imagine what her responses would be. I think this is a great idea for anyone that lost a parent at a young age like I did.

It is never easy. But my mother always said while she was sick... "Life goes on" I don't want you to stop living your life" Keep going to College" And I did.

I don't really know what to say. I decided to write in the grieving section because I don't want to give negative hope towards people who are still fighting the battle. I think my dad and my sister kept an overly positive attitude and were in denial of how serious this cancer was. My mom and I were more alike in our realistic approach of hope for the best prepare for the worst.
  When my wise mother was first diagnosed, she wrote a family letter to everyone and felt that this best decribed her mind frame:

2 (edited by JeffG Sat, 19 Apr 2008 08:23:45)

Re: First time here, mother passed at age 54 in 2006

Hi Liz,  Congratulations with graduating from college!  Thanks for sharing about your Mom.  It's obvious you and your Mother had a loving bond.  The Mommy Journal is just a nice idea.  Hopefully, it will allow you to process your grief a little further.  Don't feel guilty about your Dad living alone and having to pay bills; like your Mother said "life will go on".  The only thing I would say is if any of those bills might be college related it's not uncommon for students to start picking up at least part of the tab  after graduating and in to the work force.  Maybe that does'nt apply to you.  I just feel your Mother would be so proud of you and I'm sure she is watching and cheering happily from above of all your accomplishments. When it comes time for marriage and having children I think you will sense your Mother's presence in some way. 
Liz, I think that leaving my loved ones and not knowing if they will be safe is what concerns me the most.  I have already had a Family meeting with my  wife, grown up daughter and son.  I told them the same thing your Mom told you" Life will go on".  I have fortunately been fighting this disease for 9 years althought it is getting tougher as each month and treatment goes on. I'll keep my hope and faith for a remission or maybe a miracle cure and I'll encourage others to do the same. Great strides scientifically have been surfacing.  Like polio and smallpox we'll get there one day; unfortunately many of us won't be able to fight long enough to see that day.  I feel comfortable and free already for some reason.  But if I can stay around and be self sufficient and be with my loving family a little longer that would be nice.
Liz I'm glad you posted and shared. I hope you you are dealing with your grief, it sounds as though you are.  It can take a while but eventually we keep recalling the happy memories and get past the end of life experience.

Wish you the Best Liz!  Your future will be what you want it to be!
God Bless,
Jeff G.
P.S.  As far as your friends and their disrespect for their Mother's; I can understand your anger.  Just keep yourself empowered.  You have gained and have learned the hard way of the meaning of unconditional Love and also the wisdom to know what individual responsibility is all about.

Take it to the Limit,One More Time! (Eagles)

Re: First time here, mother passed at age 54 in 2006

Oh Liz, what a lovely read, even though it is sad. Just wanted to say hello, and thank you for coming here and sharing with us all. Your Mom sounds like she was a lovely lady. I'm glad you stuck by her advice and followed through with college. Well done! I am 43, my Mum died this time last year. Your post made me realize how lucky I was to have her around for such a large part of my life, it really struck me how young you are to have to deal with such a loss, the feeling of wishing your Mom could see how you've done, and all the things you won't be able to share with her. I hope for you that the pain of your loss will diminish in time, and I am sending you lots of love all the way from UK!
Much love, Kate

Re: First time here, mother passed at age 54 in 2006

Hi Liz- thanks for your post.  Dave and I never had children but I absolutely know how proud your Mom would be of your accomplishments.  Sounds silly, but I am proud of you!  Keep her spirit forever in your heart and as you succeed in life as a wife, mother (if you choose)and I am certain as a daughter to your Dad.

Patrice

Re: First time here, mother passed at age 54 in 2006

Dear Liz,
I feel so much for you, especially that you're so young to have lost your mother. I lost mine last year to this horrible disease and I was 40 and I still feel like a little orphaned child. My mother was brave like yours, and just worried about those she left behind, especially my 4-year-old daughter.  The pain will never go away, but your memories and your "mommy journal" are great ideas to deal with it.

I, too, get angry at those who don't appreciate their mothers, and I think "Just wait until they don't have a mother anymore - then they'll understand how much they missed."  It may be mean-spirited, but it's part of grieving. Sometimes you just need to talk to people who have been there and know exactly what you're feeling. Other people can seem like aliens sometimes, because it really is unimaginable until it happens to you. And I was realistic, as you were, and knew exactly what would happen - but you're just NEVER prepared for this kind of loss. The chemo was too harsh on my mother, also, but I try not to have regrets because I think it was just too late in the game for chemo to have any effect on my mother's condition.

The last days and hours of your mother's life will always play through your mind to make you suffer - but the good memories come through, too, and give you solace. As others said, I know your mother would be proud of you and all you've accomplished - and you know in your heart that you did everything for her and that she loved you and appreciated all your care. I know it's hard not to beat yourself up about what you could have done, but you know you were a good daughter - I can tell you were a GREAT daughter, and you should be proud of yourself as well as your mother.

I grieve for your loss and I hope you're able to attain some peace - sometimes just writing it all down when you can't connect with others really helps.  You will never forget your mother, so she lives on in you. Did you know, when I was pregnant, they told me that the ovarian egg that was fertilized and became my daughter was given to me by my mother and she carried those eggs inside her while I was in the womb. I can't exactly express it as beautifully as it seems to me, but that connection between mothers and daughters and granddaughters is amazing.

Much peace, love and hugs to you, and congratulations on making your mother proud,

Joyce

6 (edited by sbd103050 Fri, 25 Apr 2008 07:48:46)

Re: First time here, mother passed at age 54 in 2006

Thank-you everyone for respnding to my message. I feel so happy that you all took the time to write to me!

I just wanted to personally thank Jeff for the PS" you had written to me regarding my feelings toward my friends and my personal growth from this experience. I re-read it a few times because it really meant alot to me.
It is so funny how total strangers can understand you more than the people in your every day life.

  Good luck Jeff, and to everyone else who is persevering and beating the odds. This has helped me through my grieving process to talk to others who definitely understand what I am feeling.

I am glad this site exists, I can't tell you how everyones words have affected me. I am going to print them out and paste them in my "mommy journal".

Much love and hope from Rhode Island..

Liz

Re: First time here, mother passed at age 54 in 2006

Hya Liz and all

Liz you were a great daughter, I wish I had someone like you right now in my life.
I too feel this is the place to be where we can share our grief and our memories. This disease is one that not many people have ever heard of let alone experienced.
I love to read how you talk about your mothers, from this I am able to realise alans reasoning behind the fact that he asked me right at the start would I take care of him at our home. He did have his own place to live in.

I have been printing all of the messages I have put on this site, also the replies to go in my memory box for Alans life history. One day I hope to write a book about his life and what he achieved.

I would like to thank you all for being on here. For helping me, to put into words things that others close to me are not able to understand, to come to terms with my grief and sharing your stories with me.

Kate, your moms book is available on amazon .uk. for about

U.K.Member

Re: First time here, mother passed at age 54 in 2006

Hi Teresa,
I feel like I know you and I wish I could be your daughter right now and help take away some of the pain you're going through with your husband and the ever-present pain of Alan's passing. You have so many words of wisdom that you've shared that have comforted me.

Just wanted to share one thing: you mentioned that Alan wanted you to take care of him, and my mother was the same towards me: a few weeks before she died, when I had broken her out of the terrible hospital to stay at home under hospice care, she said, "Maloyce (her pet name for me), please stay with me from now on - everyone else is a nudnik and doesn't know what they're doing." At the time I felt guilty because I couldn't be there every single day so a bunch of us took shifts - but I was there more than anyone and now I am so honored to think that she asked that of me. She was a strong and independent woman who never asked for anything but she trusted me with the most important task of my life - taking care of her at the end.  Alan must have had such love for you, such faith in your ability to care for him and comfort him, that he wanted you to be the one that was always there by his side until the end.

You're an incredible person - don't ever stop visiting this board - your calm and reassuring voice would be very much missed.

Joyce