I've been thinking about you and know that you're going through a devastating time of your life with the loss of your mother. I fell your pain and for me it will be 8 months next Thursday, July 11th, and it's been the most difficult journey of my life. I thought it would get better, and it does but my grieving will never disappear, it will only become less painful. I knew my mother for 59 years and she was 83 1/2 when she passed. We kept telling each other "why did I or you get so sick.". It's so unfair. When she was all bloated 2 years ago with swollen ankles and I didn't tell her to go the doctor because she would always get upset with me and tell me not to tell her what to do. I wish I had insisted, but it's too late now. I tend to tell myself why I didn't do this or that, but it just hurts me more and I have to let go of it because it's over and in the past.
I also have a locket that I wear all the time except when I'm biking because I sweat a lot and also, don't want to lose it in the river trails. I love biking and it's my release even though I cry on the trails and also talk to my mother. I have laid a small stone on the trails with a branch that splits standing next to it and I always stop and look at it and clean it. I wish I could visit her grave but it's in Iran and there's no way in hell that I can go there. I have not dreamed of my mother yet, and don't understand why? Or maybe I have but don't remember.
I have pictures of my mother all over my office at home and her painting hanging on the walls all over the house. I miss her so much and still have her voice recorded on my phone when she was in the hospital. I can only listen to it once in a blue moon as it upsets me yet comforts me but tricks my mind as I think she's till alive. I go through periods of disbelief.
I cried so much the first three months that I ended up on anti-depressants and ant-anxiety medication under the careful supervision of my psychiatrist. I also just joined a Grief Counseling group finally, which has helped me very much but also rehashes my raw wounds. It took me 7 months to go to grief counseling group because I wasn't ready before that time. One has to be ready. It has helped me as we can all relate to each other's loss, but I still have those ocean waves of grief that comes out of nowhere and hit's me and I start crying again.
Every morning, I go outside in my backyard, and talk to my mother while looking at the "Dogwood" tree that I planted in her memory. She loved trees and this one is just beautiful as it's a "Wolf Eye's Dogwood" tree with light green leaves..google it. I also placed a bell on it with my mother's name, "Mama".
My only family who stole all my mother's valuables have refuse to talk to me for a long time as they weren't on the Will and want me to pay them back my mother's medical bills after telling me that they would take care of it. They are so wealthy. So lately they disconnected their phone lines and email addresses so I don't know where they are. Last message I had was that my cousin was moving to Paris...how come they didn't move before when my mother was all alone? They're independently wealthy as oppose to me, so I couldn't live in Paris as I would not be allowed to work as an American citizen and support myself and couldn't live off my mother as she collected American social security. My cousins also lie so much that I don't know what's true. I only wanted to be in touch with my aunt who's now 85 years old and they're preventing me from being in touch with her. What evil beings they are! So, now I also lost my family at the same time because of their greed. I don't have a family but thank God I have a partner who supports me emotionally.
I'm still waiting for the Genealogist to complete their search to find out if my mother had any other children, according to the ridiculous French Law. They have not been able to track down my mother's first husband and at the same time have not found any other children plus no one has come forward. I need to inherit my mother's estate as I need to access her bank account, which has just a little money for me to go to Paris and put her studio on the market to sell. In the meantime, I'm in limbo and have to wait for the Notaire (equivalent to an attorney) to send me the final paper work to sign. The French take their dear time and are always on vacation. I owe so much money as I've not been able to find a job and my unemployment benefits ran out last May. So, I'm praying that I inherit the studio asap, sell it, pay all my debts back including 30% inheritance tax, so that I can sit back and really grieve the loss of my mother. This inheritance situation has been hanging over my head and I feel like Atlas. Once everything has been completed, I want to have my mother's remains sent back here.
So, all I can do is get through one day at a time even though I cry every day and tell my mother how much I miss her and love her. She was my "World" and cared & loved me so much like I did for her. She's my Angel. Dee, what gives me hope is that I know that once I die, she will be waiting for me with open arms and we can then spend the rest of our "afterlife" together. I know her spirit is in my heart like your mother's is and they're watching over us and loving us. That will never go away.
Sorry about this long message but we're on this web site, thank God, to express our emotions with others who can identify with us.
How are you doing Dee??? Please let us know.
A big hug to you.