Topic: First time here, mother passed at age 54 in 2006
Just sitting at my desk and thinking of my mother and the terrible time we went through in 2006. I am now 23 and my sister is 27. My parents were married for 35 years.
She was diagnosed with CC in August 2005 and the doctors gave her 9-11 months to live (she was in stage 4 already). She died exactly 10 months later in June of 06'.
As I have read a few blogs, I feel a sense of comfort as I think of her every day. Constant hospital visits, every possible side effect, pain.. you name it.
I think the clinical trial the doctors put her on was way too aggressive and it just made her go down hill extremely fast. I watched her body deteriorate and that is what kills me to think about it. The flashbacks of the hospital, the beeps, I will never forget them. It brings tears to my eyes to think of what she went through.
She was never afraid to die. She was more worried about us after she passed because she was the leader of our family. Now my father struggles to pay his bills and I feel as though it is my responsibility to look out for him and I feel badly that he lives in our home by himself now. I now live with my boyfriend (who also lost his mother at a young age, which helps).
I think I wanted to come on this site just to offer my advice or just to vent to people that go through this rare, evil cancer. It is so aggressive, so hard to treat, and the chemotherapy side effects were so brutal for my mother.
Sometimes I feel like I could have done more for her, as she lay in bed for over 8 months, delirious and eyes barely open. I sat with her and read her stories, watched The food network, and just enjoyed the last months with her.
You can't look back and wish there was more that you could do. I know this. I did the best that I could under the circumstances. She was an amazing mother, and she taught me so much that I will take with me for the rest of my life. I am scared and sad that she will not see me get married or have children. I know that will be the hardest.
I get SO angry when I hear my friends talk about their mothers...."my mom is such a bitch.... i hate my mom... my mom won't give me any more money...."
It makes me want to isolate myself from them because I feel like they will never get it. And I know it is not their fault. Its not anyones fault, it is just the deck of cards I have been dealt.
I am graduating college, have a great internship, and a great apartment and I just wish she could see how well I am doing.
I started a "mommy journal" with a picture of us when we went to Italy together , which was the best time of our lives. I write to the journal as if the pages are my words to her. I feel like she reads them and I can imagine what her responses would be. I think this is a great idea for anyone that lost a parent at a young age like I did.
It is never easy. But my mother always said while she was sick... "Life goes on" I don't want you to stop living your life" Keep going to College" And I did.
I don't really know what to say. I decided to write in the grieving section because I don't want to give negative hope towards people who are still fighting the battle. I think my dad and my sister kept an overly positive attitude and were in denial of how serious this cancer was. My mom and I were more alike in our realistic approach of hope for the best prepare for the worst.
When my wise mother was first diagnosed, she wrote a family letter to everyone and felt that this best decribed her mind frame: