Topic: Anthony, I have missed you now for 5 years my darling
In these past few sunny July weeks in London I have thought of you as always, Darling, and have felt again the overwhelming sadness that the memories of July 2008 always bring. I find those memories so terribly painful that I try to push them away, such is the terror that I find there. I try to replace them with thoughts of happy times together but, of course, those memories can't be avoided and so I sink to near despair once again. For those events are part of me and will be for ever, marking the end of our happy lives together and the beginning of my 'lesser life' where I struggle to find meaning and where the concept of happiness is just a memory, occasionally recalled in dreams.
I have built a life of sorts, Darling, with the support of a few very good friends. In fact, people who don't know me well, think I'm fine. They don't see my sadness and loneliness because I choose not to show these to them. I have kept my surroundings as they always were - in our home very little has changed and I keep to familiar routines for I find security in this. I continue to work and to help with the grandchildren, who are growing so beautifully. I go to Italy at the same times and these give structure to my life.
But, what I need to tell you, Darling, is that there is a deep sadness and emptiness inside me where the love and happiness that we shared used to be. I still think of you all the time and am constantly aware of how shallow the world is without you. But mainly, what I need to express is how grateful I am to have been loved by such an exceptional man - so clever, so erudite, so interesting, so funny, so sensitive, so dynamic and so insightful. How amazing to have been loved by a man who was always the centre of every situation, challenging ideas and frameworks and guiding and supporting people to help them move forward in their lives. You were a hugely attractive man with a wonderful personality so no wonder I am still in love with you now as I was 31years ago when we met in another world ....another life.
I am writing this letter in Italy, looking from our kitchen window at the beautiful Tuscan countryside, framed by the Apennine Mountains and I recall the many happy summers we spent here - walking in the hills and sitting outside in the evenings, chatting and drinking wine late into the night, planning our retirement and looking at the stars.
Thank you again, my Darling, for all the happiness and richness that you brought to my life for 27 years. You are still my inspiration and my guiding light.
I love you now and for ever,
I will quote John Donne to express my love this time:
All other things to their destruction draw,
Only our love hath no decay;
This no tomorrow hath, nor yesterday,
Running it never runs from us away,
But truly keeps his first, last, everlasting day....