Topic: Husband at Hospice Facility

I have not posted in a while, but I am always checking in. On Tuesday my husband Frank was moved from our home to the local hospice facility. It breaks my heart that I can no longer care for him at home. He was diagnosed in November and I have been caring for him here since he was released from the hospital in December. He had two strokes four years ago which left him unable to use his right side. Now the cancer has made him too weak to use his left side. I could no longer assist him in getting out of bed and into his wheelchair. I was hoping he could die at home, but I guess that was not realistic. I think he knows that I tried my best to keep him here as long as possible, but it still hurts. Thanks for being here for me. Nancy

Re: Husband at Hospice Facility

Dear Nancy,

I am so sorry to hear that Frank has been moved to the hospice facility.   I know how much this hurts, but  I'm sure Frank knows you did your best for him and that right now this was what needed to be done.   I was in a different but similar situation as Jim wanted to die at home and he died the morning I was making the arrangements to bring him back home with hospice care.  I felt like I had let him down at first too, but  have made my peace with that and know now that I did the best I could and it just wasn't meant to be.  Like Margaret,  we didn't get a chance to say the things we wanted to say and I agree with her that you should do and say what ever you feel you need to while you still can.   My heart is also breaking for both of you.  Make the most of the time you have with him.  Know that we are all here for you.

Love & Hugs,
Darla

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.

Re: Husband at Hospice Facility

Dear Nancy, I know keeping Frank at home was what you wanted most but sometimes it is just out of our hands. I had the same thing with Teddy so I changed my goal in that I was determined to be holding him as he passed over and I did, I felt blessed for that and I know he knew it was me holding him. We had discussed going to a facility when Hospice first came and as time progressed he agreed at the end. We are only human and I think we all do the best we can, no regrets and no looking back as it takes real special people to be care takers. I feel Frank knows all too well what you did for him and he is probably very proud of you. Please don't forget to give him permission to let go and tell him you love him and that you will be OK. It really does give you a good mental release and to him as well. Thinking of you, sending love and strength!

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

Re: Husband at Hospice Facility

Nancy....I can only agree with what Lainy and Darla have mentioned.  You have done everything humanly possible for Frank.  The time has come for someone to tend to his physical needs and for you to be with him unrestricted, holding, touching and emotionally supporting each other.  You have made a wise choice.  My heart is with you in this precious time.
Hugs,
Marion

THIS INFORMATION IS NOT INTENDED NOR IMPLIED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR PROFESSIONAL MEDICAL ADVICE. YOU SHOULD ALWAYS SEEK THE ADVICE OF YOUR PHYSICIAN OR OTHER QUALIFIED HEALTH CARE PROVIDER

Re: Husband at Hospice Facility

Dear nancy,

You are still giving Frank what he needs and can be there with him to hold his hand, love and support him without exhausting yourself on physical care.  I am a nurse and it is physically demanding on an isolated shift to provide care let alone for you as a caregiver to do that 24 hours a day. 

X

Clare

In the stars now . . . .

Re: Husband at Hospice Facility

Nancy,
I agree with the advice given above. The important thing is that you're both getting the support you need right now. This is a precious time, even as it is painful. Take care,
Willow

Willow

Re: Husband at Hospice Facility

Thanks everyone for the love and support. Frank is at a beautiful facility and the staff is wonderful. I still think he would rather be at home, but understands that with the level of care he needs that is not possible. He had a good day today and if he has a good day tomorrow they will put him in a wheelchair and I can take him outside. It is supposed to be in the 60s tomorrow here in the Chicagoland area, a vast improvement. We have had a brutal winter.

Re: Husband at Hospice Facility

Nancy,
You will be there to hold his hand, hug him and love him. Praying for comfort and peace.
Lisa

This Information Is Not Intended Nor Implied To Be A Substitute For Professional Medical Advice. You Should Always Seek The Advice Of Your Physician Or Other Qualified Health Care Provider

Re: Husband at Hospice Facility

Nancy -
Sorry that you were not able to keep him at home but now you will be able to be his wife again rather than his caregiver. Being the caregiver takes a lot out of you and you sometimes don't have enough energy to be a spouse again. Now you can be there, hold his hand and provide the emotional support that is needed. You can also take care of yourself which slips when you are a full time caretaker. Enjoy the time together.

KrisV

Any advice given is based on my experiences and should not be substituted for any medical recommendations. Please speak with your provider before making any changes.

Re: Husband at Hospice Facility

My husband has not eaten anything in four days. He drinks a little. He mostly sleeps. Yesterday he became agitated and tried to get out of bed. He is now sedated and only wakes up briefly. This is so hard. I am bringing his dogs to see him tomorrow. I hope he wakes up a little while they are there. The hospice staff is wonderful, but I am still so sad. I think the time is very near. I took his 91 year old mother to see him today and she is inconsolable. His sisters are coming in from out of town on Sunday. Pray for us. Nancy

Re: Husband at Hospice Facility

Dearest Nancy, sending you prayers of comfort and I pray also that Frank stays comfortable and Peaceful. I think at any age it is traumatic to loose a child more than anything else. Don't forget to gently touch his arm now and then and to tell him that it is ok to go to his Peace, that you love him and you will be OK. That release helps you both. I also believe we pick our own time when we are ready and perhaps he has been waiting for his mother. Peace to you all my heart is with you.

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

Re: Husband at Hospice Facility

Nancy,

My thoughts and prayers are with you and Frank. 

Love & Hugs,
Darla

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.

Re: Husband at Hospice Facility

Nancy,

I wish you the best on this journey!!!

Take care of yourself too.

Peace, Love & Hugs,
Mary

Re: Husband at Hospice Facility

Frank was much better today although he still is not eating. He had lots of visitors, got to spend an hour outside in his wheelchair (it was 80 degrees in Chicago today!) and best of all, he got to visit with his beloved dogs, Rocky and Foster. I would say he had a very good day. Thanks for the thoughts and prayers. Nancy

Re: Husband at Hospice Facility

Nancy,

I'm so glad you and Frank had a nice day today and that the weather made it possible for Frank to be outside and also to visit with his beloved "friends" Rocky & Foster along with others.   Weather is nasty up here in Plymouth.
Thinking of you as you continue on this journey.  One day at a time.

Love & Hugs,
Darla

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.

16 (edited by marions Sun, 13 Apr 2014 15:45:32)

Re: Husband at Hospice Facility

Nancy....  What a wonderful day it was for all involved.  In this so precious time, you made something beautiful happen for Frank. 
Hugs
Marion

THIS INFORMATION IS NOT INTENDED NOR IMPLIED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR PROFESSIONAL MEDICAL ADVICE. YOU SHOULD ALWAYS SEEK THE ADVICE OF YOUR PHYSICIAN OR OTHER QUALIFIED HEALTH CARE PROVIDER

Re: Husband at Hospice Facility

Prayers for you all.  Juiie T.

"Just for today, I can get through anything."  Hey....I'm a cancer survivor, not a doctor.  The opinions I state are my own, based on my personal experiences or knowledge.  As always, talk to your doctor about your concerns and treatment.

Re: Husband at Hospice Facility

I think the majority of participants here are caregivers rather than patients.  A few are/have been both.

I read about "quality of life vs. quantity of life".  Selfishly, as a patient, I want both.  But it's not all about me.  A few months is probably not significant, unless there is a major milestone coming up.  My father hung on a few months so that he could hold my son, the first grandson with the family name.  I have accidental video of him doubled over in pain on our last visit.  The pain was the price he willingly paid.  I hope it is as black and white for me later as it is now.

Now, to the point.  Lainy said it all.  There will come a time when he is ready to go.  He needs to know that you will be ok.  Assure him of that.  And as she's said elsewhere, work out signals from him to let you know he is ok.

Treasure and rejoice in the quality of time you have left together, that is what's important, not the quantity.

Fighting with dignity, not desperation.

Live, Laugh, Love

Re: Husband at Hospice Facility

Dear Cute Duke.....I totally agree with you. When Teddy decided no Palliative Chemo (as it would only extend his life a month) we gave each other our all. He had such a strong mind and no one would know not even me if he was scared. He steeled his mind and that was that. His only request was that I don't cry in front of him so I didn't as it seemed so little for him to ask of me.  Having only been married 16 years, even at our ages, we were never apart except to go the bathroom. It was so beautiful, especially when he would tell Hospice Nurses that we were on our Honeymoon. From taking this Journey with him I realize that there is no fear but fear itself and when it is time for me I will be as ready as he was as I know he will be waiting for me and I am sure the first thing he will do is take me to his restaurant in the sky. I mean a Sicilian loves restaurants!

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

Re: Husband at Hospice Facility

Just checking in again. Frank is once again not eating, drinking or speaking. The hospice team says he is in transition and may not be conscience at all anymore. It is so hard to see him like this. I love him so much but I pray that God takes him home soon. He was having very bad abdominal pain, but his hospice nurses are keeping that under control. Thanks for the support. Pray for us.

Re: Husband at Hospice Facility

Nancy....my heart is with you in this difficult time. 
Love and hugs,
Marion

THIS INFORMATION IS NOT INTENDED NOR IMPLIED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR PROFESSIONAL MEDICAL ADVICE. YOU SHOULD ALWAYS SEEK THE ADVICE OF YOUR PHYSICIAN OR OTHER QUALIFIED HEALTH CARE PROVIDER

Re: Husband at Hospice Facility

Nancy, Prayers keep going your way. Good that they are keeping Frank comfortable. You sound like I did as it all seems like yesterday but try to be very strong, talk to him even though he may not respond. He will know. Love and hugs coming your way as well.

Teddy ~In our hearts forever~ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING
Any suggestion I offer is intended as friendly advice based solely on my own experience. Please consult your doctor for professional guidance.

Re: Husband at Hospice Facility

Nancy,

My thoughts and prayers are with you and Frank.

Love & Hugs,
Darla

"One Day At A Time"

All of my comments and suggestions are just my opinions and are not a substitute for professional medical advice.   You should always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care providers.

Re: Husband at Hospice Facility

Thinking of you right now Nancy.

Hugs,

Gavin

Any advice or comments I give are based on personal experiences and knowledge and are my opinions only, they are not to be substituted for professional medical advice. Please seek professional advice from a qualified doctor or medical professional.

Re: Husband at Hospice Facility

My heart is with you and your family.

Julie T

"Just for today, I can get through anything."  Hey....I'm a cancer survivor, not a doctor.  The opinions I state are my own, based on my personal experiences or knowledge.  As always, talk to your doctor about your concerns and treatment.